choosing to be thankful.

I truly am thankful. For everything.

And that's what I have to remind myself and choose to be every time I am struggling.

In early June Matt ended our relationship. He had been in a rut and struggling for a long time. And he just felt he couldn't love or lead me the way he wanted to. He also kept persisting in prayer and felt like God was telling him this was the right thing to do. He did it out of love for me, though the pain and sadness of it often makes it feel opposite.

Here are some things I wrote throughout the summer: (I wrote these strait from my heart as vents of exactly what I was feeling at the time. Each colored section is from a different vent. They are in order of when I wrote them. The last one's probably the best just in case you get bored half way through...)

"After getting off the phone with Matt last night it was hard. It was hard to hear his voice. I love him...
        I trust that this is exactly where God wants us. I trust that He wanted us to be together. He wanted both of us to have the taste of that GLORIOUS GLORIOUS love we lavished on each other sometimes. It was so incredibly beautiful beyond anything I would've ever imagined or wanted. I would love to get to love Matt like that again. Yet I know he needs this. And I do too. God has reasons for everything. Everything is just a step in the direction of what He's preparing us for. Something even better. His plan is perfect. And I'm excited for all He's been doing and showing me each day."

 "...Truth is I LOVE the thought of being single with Jesus for the rest of my life. But I love Matt even more. I would most want to be with him. And it makes me sad. I miss him so much.Yet this is what I've been given now. And I must make the most of it. I miss Matt so much it really fills my whole self with sadness. But I have to focus on what God's given me. Make the most of it, and enjoy it! I love being single. I love love love that everything I do is just between me and Jesus. Just for Him. I love the independence and everything about it. It is truly glorious. But I do really really miss Matt. It really feels my body with sadness, a lot of sadness. ... Yet I am happy to be here with Jesus too.

My joy is to love and live for Him. With all of my heart, with all of who I am, in my deepest deepest selves of selves. I've grown so much this year in just being free before Him. Me. And loving Him with all the depths of who I really am. Not being ashamed.

It's beautiful.

Jesus is my forever love.

I love Him.

And now I'm crying hard with joy and thankfulness and pain.

listening to "Forever Love" by Francesca Battestelli and singing it to Jesus from my heart. "

"... So now I have to let him go. Bah, it's sad. He is the most amazing man ever. My best friend. The person who was always always always there. I called him for everything, any time. He loved me BEAUTIFULLY. He is the most honest, humble person I've ever known. His honesty, humility, compassion, and desire to live for God are what I love about him most.

He is the most amazing man ever.

All I can do though is let him go.

I still want his presence in my life.

I feel like the best thing for me to do right now and the most beautiful is to dance with and for Jesus. To keep enjoying time with Him. My love story with Him. To enjoy being completely me before Him more and more and more and more each day.

I am so incredibly blessed.

 And I am glad I had Matt for the time I did.

Now I am happy to let him go.

God's got great plans for us.

I am excited. I can't even comprehend how much I don't want Matt out of my life. Yet... I am very excited for all that lies ahead for me. Times with my mom, my sisters, my grandparents, cousins, and family. Times with my dearest friends. Teaching dance. Dancing with my Savior. Loving on kids at work. Loving on people. ... And letting Jesus love on me. Being ME. Letting Him cover me in grace.

This is a beautiful beautiful love story.

Thanks God!"

"I want to continuously forgive him, let go, and let Jesus hold me and be happy for Matt.

I am happy for him.

I just want the best for that man.


Please please pray hard for both of us."

 "...This is just a beautiful time that I have to go through of mourning this man...


He loved me beautifully.

God blessed me with beautiful glimpses of how He loves me and will love me in Heaven someday.

...I am filled with joy and peace trusting God has the best things in store for me and Matt.

I just really miss him today.


And I just need to keep re-letting him go every second.


 I truly just want him to thrive. To grow, to learn, to lead.

To be the man of God he and God want him to be.

I'm excited for him.

I'm happy to let him go.


But yes, it will always be painful sometimes..."

"...The cool thing though, is that when we come to points where we are so filled with anxiety or pain that we can't even take it. Anxiety or pain about what to do, or about why something happening... or when we are so incredibly hurt or just so confused... or so in desire of control!!! : We can surrender.

We can know God is in control.
Try to give it all to Him.

Trust Him to have mercy on our anxiousness and selfishness.
Trust Him to work through everything, even our sinfulness.
Trust that His plans will work out.
Trust that He knows what He's doing.
Trust that everything happens for a reason.
Trust Him to have better plans than we do.
Trust that He's with us helping us.
Trust that He will provide.

And ABOVE ALL ELSE trust that His love and mercy for us are greater than ANYTHING and stretch FARTHER THAN THE EAST IS FROM THE WEST!!!

Ya... the whole Matt thing is still sad. And sometimes I ask why?? Why did I have to have something so good and then have it ripped away?? But I know and trust that EVERYTHING happened and is happening for a reason. I can tell you some of these reasons that I already know later. And I know there are so many that I don't know yet.

I trust that God's plans are better than mine.

I trust that we are right where we are supposed to be, even if it may not be what I want. I trust this is where God wants me. Broken and beautiful before Him.

Thank Him that we can trust Him.
That we have that privilege.

The privilege to just place it all in His hands.
To surrender.
To trust Him.

And to feel the peace that brings.


He IS SO GOOD.

And He knows what He's doing.
Even if it's hard.

It will turn out better than we can see."

"All the things I am feeling right now related to the Matt situation and being single with Jesus are too deep and too much for even me to comprehend, understand, or to put to words.

I sit and try to figure out exactly how I feel about everything, yet I can't... It's like I feel too much/yet something very simple at the same time.

It's a really really weird thing and just can't explain it even to myself.

What I do know though is I am the same person I always was and always will be. Broken. Broken and beautiful before Him. (to Him)

My Romance with, Relationship with, Friendship with, time with.... etc. just everything... everything about my intimate relationship with just me and Jesus has always and will always be the best and most special and most real and most dominate thing in my life.

And wow, oh wow, has everything that has happened this summer, and that has ever happened in my life, but yes this even more (like icing on the cake) brought me closer to Jesus.

Wow, is this constantly being used to bring me to Him. To keep me in AWE of His love. His friendship. His intimacy. His everything.

The cross.

... WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously I can't even tell you how much He's moving me right now and tonight. With every song He is playing for me. IT'S INCREDIBLE.

With what He's saying in the Word.

With what He wants us to do together.

With Him just being here.

... But ya, tonight it's UNREAL how every single song is completely and totally straight from Him relating to all I'm feeling even more than I could've felt or said myself.


This time is hard. I'm broken. I miss Matt.
But I would never never never change it.
I am thankful for it.

Cuz this time has brought me even closer to Jesus than ever before.

And I just want to move closer.
to go deeper.

I want to give Him more of me.

Pray for me to do that for Him.
He deserves so much more of me than the little bit I give Him.

Thanks.
Thanks for listening to this vent.


... It's always hard and weird when the sadness hits.
But it puts me in the place to be touched by Him.

And that is where I want to be and stay.
Closer and deeper.

I want to let Him love me more. He longs for me to let Him love me more.


This is the best and most beautiful time of my life.
I am so thankful God is doing this."

 " Letting go of Matt is one of the hardest things I've ever had and have to do. Mourning the loss of him, the one I love and one I want to love forever as his wife, is unlike anything I've ever experienced.

I love him.

And every second, even though I don't even want it there, he's on my mind.
I remember all the beautiful memories. Every one, again and again and again. They won't leave my head.

The way he loved me. The way he delighted in me. The staring. The dancing. The way he took me in his arms, spun me around and threw me in the air as I laughed loudly. The way he took care of me. The way he listened. The way he was always there. ... Just plain him. How much I love HIM and everything about him.

It's hard, sad, and painful.

But all I can do is take a deep breath and know that the best thing I can do out of love for him is let go of him.

He really truly knows that this is what God wants. For us to not be together.
So I trust him, and I trust God.

I trust we are both right where we are meant to be.
And I am thankful for where I am. Right in Jesus's arms. My eternal Lover. My Savior.  I will forever be in His arms, and that brings more comfort and joy, in the midst of the pain, than I can ever say thanks to God for.

I just have to take a deep breath and trust Him.

I am happy for Matt. Happy for both of us. I just want Matt to thrive. I want both of us to thrive, with God. And I know God's plans are far far better than my own.

So, even when it breaks my heart, I will trust Him. And I will thank Him.
And I will keep asking Him for the strength to let go of Matt.


I will forever be thankful for the time I was blessed to have with Matt. That man is and always will be an amazing man of Christ to me. I am thankful that he is still my amazing brother in Christ and that we are still friends. :)

I could go on forever about all the ways he helped me. We both know the relationship was truly from God. We are both incredibly thankful for it, for all the ways we helped each other grow closer to God and just helped each other in so many ways. We both have no regrets at all.

Matt helped me feel more and more free to be ME. My complete and total self, without any fear. He delighted in me more than I can even believe!!!!!!! He showed me God's love for me more beautifully than I've ever seen it before. I am so thankful for those glimpses. I know God's is far far far greater than Matt's, but the way Matt loved me really gave me glimpses I've never imagined. I never imagined someone would love me the way he did.

He was always there. My best friend. The person I vented to about everything. The person I was my complete self with without worrying I would hurt or offend, without holding anything ugly back at all but just letting all the ugliness shine through.

He brought me so much joy, laughter, and just amazingness to my life that I've never had or imagined before.

He just plain really loved me. And really loved me beautifully.

I will always always be thankful.
Thankful I got to learn more about what it means to love and be loved.

I just want the best for that man.
The best for both of us.

I want both of us to go where God wants us and to love who He wants us to.

I trust this is all for the best, even if it's not what I want.

God helps me let go every day.

And forever and always I will be thankful.
Thankful for the gift of Matt in my life.
Thankful for the chance to love, learn, and let go.

God is good. And God is faithful.
His love gives me strength,
is my hope.
Is my all."

So yes... overall, I miss Matt. A lot. Every single day. And I do still wish we were together each day, but as I do, I know that I am happy to let him go. It's what he needs. What he wants. And I have to trust that it's what God wants to.


Every time I feel sad each day or miss him, I just choose to be thankful.Thankful for the times we had. The beautiful glimpses of God's love. The chance to love him and the way he loved me.


 



I am thankful for that man.


Happy for him. Happy for both of us.



All I can do is focus on the moment. The second I'm in, and love people in it. Love the kids at Hope, my family, my friends,whoever I'm with. And most of all love Jesus.



My alone time with Jesus was the best time of my day when I was with Matt, and it remains the best time of my day still. I miss Matt. But, I trust that God's got me. And I have Him. He is mine.


I am happy to let that man go. And thankful I still get to be his friend, his sister in Christ. That's truly what I see him as now, my brother in Christ.


I am just trying to embrace each and every moment in this life, this adventure with Jesus.

Thankful for what I've had and excited for what's to come.



Most of all blessed and excited to love.

Thank You God for everything.

And thank You for continuously teaching me that sometimes the best way to love someone is to let them go.