I still remember how scared I was when I made the phone call that changed everything.
May 13, 2010. The first day of summer break. The day before I had just been in a near-death car crash that God used to change the course of my life. I remained calm about the car crash realizing as I was flying toward the ditch, "I might be going to Heaven right now," and as I sat in my demolished car alive, "God really didn't want me to die." That night I still went to the LCM end of the year party. That whole day I finally felt ready to share my testimony, and the car crash made me even more determined. I was so excited that God finally brought me to a point where I was not afraid to share with anyone about my sins and struggles, especially the big one that had been controlling me for the past year: emotional eating.
My mom, sisters, and I drove to Bismarck for my cousin's wedding on May 13. On the car ride there I was thinking about how excited I was about all God had done in the past year!!!!!!! God worked crazily. I had learned to let go of so much anxiety. Relax. And spend my time helping others with emotional and spiritual struggles. He brought me amazing brothers and sisters in Christ who really inspired me to relax, let go of all the work I was buried in, love others, and talk to others about Him. I was so thankful I was blessed with Kelsey. Kelsey and I began sending each other long vents about everything going on, constantly be praying for each other and keeping in contact. We related to all of each other's struggles with anxiety so well and constantly pushed each other more and more toward Christ, showing each other His love and forgiveness. We still do all of those things every day!!!!!!! I am so thankful to God for her and the family of brothers and sisters in Christ God has blessed me with.
Driving to Bismarck I was also thinking about how I excited I was to be patient about who God wanted me to marry and to really focus on the true Love of my life: God. I love the thought of being single and really spending every little bit of that time wisely: romancing Him. I was so happy we (the LCM boys and girls) could all just be friends. I told my mom how excited I was to be single and focus on God. I figured it would probably be a few years before God placed the one He had for me in my life. I figured it would be someone far away, not one of the LCM boys. I was annoyed that we had to listen to Taylor Swift and Colbe Callait music on the way. It made me think about the different ways a few guys had been flirting with me a lot more than I wanted to. Even so, I was ready to put all that behind me and was excited to be patient!!
When I got to Bismarck I was so tired (at 8pm) that I decided to try to go to sleep. I lay there and lay there, tossing and turning, totally unable to fall asleep. I was in a room where I had emotionally eaten many times before (with a fridge in the room), so I ate a ton of chocolate covered peanuts hoping they would help me fall asleep (while absolutely hating my sinful self for it). I was lying there thinking about boys and how extremely confused I was about if God wanted me to end up with one of them!!!! I just wanted to do His will so badly and was so incredibly filled with confusion about everything that had happened. Finally at midnight I decided to get up...
I knew I really needed to talk to someone so I wouldn't emotional eat, because I was feeling very very stressed. By what I didn't realize was a miracle then, but now believe to be one, I was able to get on facebook for a few minutes. The whole rest of my visit and all the countless other times I have visited my grandparent's house since, I have not been able to connect to the internet! Matt Moran was on. On the way to Bismarck I had been talking to him through text messaging about how we could help each other with anxiety, but I was scared to talk to him that night because I knew if I did I would tell him everything. During the few minutes I was on facebook I said "hey" and told him I was confused by the flirty LCM guys but that I would have to talk to him on the phone if I talked to him about it. Then the internet disconnected.
I sat alone in the dark laundry room and prayed to God for at least 20 minutes. I did not want to call Matt at all. I didn't even want to be struggling with this at all. I wanted to be patient and wait. But the Holy Spirit was working inside me. I really felt that feeling where God really wants you to do something when you don't want to. There was even a pain inside me. Feeling like, "No God. I can't. I'm too scared. This isn't a good idea." But God was telling me, tugging at me. Telling me I was supposed to call Matt. I was like, "God, I really don't want to do this!! Are you sure I should do this??? Okay, fine God. I will do it."
So I went outside, sat on the steps, and made the call. First I told him everything that happened with the two other guys. Then I told him the weird and scary catch: "I like you."
Matt was like, "I like you too."
We talked until 3am about everything. Relationships, God, different faiths, everything that had happened through out the year. Both him and I had started liking each other just two weeks before school ended. It was something neither of us wanted or expected at all. For Matt he kept pushing it aside saying, "No I don't like her." But it kept coming back. For me it was similar. I sensed right away it was from God, but I wasn't going to act on anything for a long long time and until God made His will clear. We kept randomly ending up at swing dancing and other events alone together. We talked about anxiety and God a lot and got to know each other over facebook.
While we were talking on the phone I was still VERY very unsure about what God wanted, and I just wanted to do His will SO badly. I kept saying "I still don't know who God wants me to be with. I just want to be with who God wants me to be with. I still need talk to ** and **..." I knew I was being a jerk to Matt, but I desperately wanted to do God's will.
We decided to secretly like each other and get to know each other better. We knew we had a lot of getting to know each other to do before a relationship could start. We both knew we did not want to be in a relationship with anyone unless it was who God wanted us to marry. I still thought I would talk to ** and *. However, right when I got off the phone this huge peace from the Holy Spirit came over me and hit me in the head. "Abby! You are over ** and you just want to be friends with *." I felt like God was nudging me as well as sending peace over me, and saying, "It is alright. You can get to know Matt and move forward."
It was scary but excited. Refreshing to have God's peace filling me like that. I told Matt about what what I had felt in the morning.
In the morning we were both like "Whoa!!!!!!! What just happened? Was that a dream???" I still couldn't believe I had told Matt everything! It was not something I wanted to do AT ALL.
Every day since we have talked for three hours or so. May times longer than that, sometimes less. We talk a lot about anxiety, about God, and about anything related to the Bible. At first I was a little disappointed that I am not still single because I really want to continue to be an example to the other girls of being satisfied by God instead of by a guy, but I have realized just how much God wanted all of this to happen right then. God's timing is perfect. Incredibly incredibly perfect.
We have helped each other with anxiety so incredibly much every day. Matt understands better than anyone, and he asks me questions I don't even want to answer---but I know I need to be asked them! If it weren't for him, I would still be emotionally eating constantly, but now I don't even have the desire to do that!! It is AMAZING. And I am helping him immensely with all of his problems. I don't know how long God plans for us to be together (I hope forever, but I want it to be what God wills it), but I know it has been a total God thing up to this point! We are both amazed by what God has done through our relationship every day!!! And the main thing we talk about is keeping God the center of our relationship. Our relationship has actually brought me SO much closer to God. I am reading the Bible a ton every day, talking about God and Bible stuff a TON every day, and whenever I think of Matt I think of God---and when I'm not thinking of Matt I think of God---I know the relationship is very much so bringing me closer to God, which is exactly what I think a relationship should do.
