May 13, 2010. The first day of summer break. The day before I had just been in a near-death car crash that God used to change the course of my life. I remained calm about the car crash realizing as I was flying toward the ditch, "I might be going to Heaven right now," and as I sat in my demolished car alive, "God really didn't want me to die." That night I still went to the LCM end of the year party. That whole day I finally felt ready to share my testimony, and the car crash made me even more determined. I was so excited that God finally brought me to a point where I was not afraid to share with anyone about my sins and struggles, especially the big one that had been controlling me for the past year: emotional eating.
My mom, sisters, and I drove to Bismarck for my cousin's wedding on May 13. On the car ride there I was thinking about how excited I was about all God had done in the past year!!!!!!! God worked crazily. I had learned to let go of so much anxiety. Relax. And spend my time helping others with emotional and spiritual struggles. He brought me amazing brothers and sisters in Christ who really inspired me to relax, let go of all the work I was buried in, love others, and talk to others about Him. I was so thankful I was blessed with Kelsey. Kelsey and I began sending each other long vents about everything going on, constantly praying for each other, and constantly keeping in contact. We related to all of each other's struggles with anxiety so well and pushed each other more and more toward Christ, showing each other His love and forgiveness. We still do all of those things every day!!! I am so thankful to God for her and the family of brothers and sisters in Christ God has blessed me with.
Driving to Bismarck I was also thinking about how I excited I was to be patient about who God wanted me to marry and to really focus on the true Love of my life: God. I love the thought of being single and really spending every little bit of that time wisely: romancing Him. I was so happy we (the LCM boys and girls) could all just be friends. I told my mom how excited I was to be single and focus on God. I figured it would probably be a few years before God placed the one He had for me in my life. I figured it would be someone far away, not one of the LCM boys. I was annoyed that we had to listen to Taylor Swift and Colbe Callait music on the way instead of Christian music. It made me think about the different ways a few guys had been flirting with me a lot more than I wanted to. Even so, I was ready to put all that behind me and was excited to be patient!!
When I got to Bismarck I was so tired (at 8pm) that I decided to try to go to sleep. I lay there and lay there, tossing and turning, totally unable to fall asleep. I was in a room where I had emotionally eaten many times before (with a fridge in the room), so I ate a ton of chocolate covered peanuts hoping they would help me fall asleep (while absolutely hating my sinful self for it). I was lying there thinking about boys and how extremely confused I was about if God wanted me to end up with one of them!! I just wanted to do His will so badly and was so incredibly filled with confusion about everything that had happened. Finally, at midnight I decided to get up...
I knew I really needed to talk to someone so I wouldn't emotional eat, because I was feeling very very stressed. By what I didn't realize was a miracle then, but now believe to be one, I was able to get on facebook for a few minutes. The whole rest of my visit and all the countless other times I have visited my grandparent's house since, I have not been able to connect to the internet! Matt Moran was on. On the way to Bismarck I had been talking to him through text messaging about how we could help each other with anxiety, but I was scared to talk to him that night because I knew if I did I would tell him everything. During the few minutes I was on facebook I said "hey" and told him I was confused by the flirty LCM guys but that I would have to talk to him on the phone if I talked to him about it. Then the internet disconnected.
I sat alone in the dark laundry room and prayed to God for at least 20 minutes. I did not want to call Matt at all. I didn't even want to be struggling with this at all. I wanted to be patient and wait. But I think the Holy Spirit was working inside me. I really felt that feeling where God really wants you to do something when you don't want to. There was even a pain inside me. Feeling like, "No God. I can't. I'm too scared. This isn't a good idea." But God was telling me, tugging at me. Telling me I was supposed to call Matt. I was like, "God, I really don't want to do this!! Are you sure I should do this??? Okay, fine God. I will do it."
So I went outside, sat on the steps, and made the call. First I told him everything that happened with the two other guys. Then I told him the weird and scary catch: "I like you."
Matt was like, "I like you too."
We talked until 3am about everything. Relationships, God, different faiths, everything that had happened through out the year.
Both him and I had started liking each other just two weeks before school ended. It was something neither of us wanted or expected at all. For Matt he kept pushing it aside saying, "No I don't like her." But it kept coming back. For me it was similar. I sensed right away it was from God, but I wasn't going to act on anything for a long long time and until God made His will clear. We kept randomly ending up at swing dancing and other events alone together. We talked about anxiety and God a lot and got to know each other over facebook.
While we were talking on the phone, I was still VERY very unsure about what God wanted, and I just wanted to do His will SO badly. I kept saying "I still don't know who God wants me to be with. I just want to be with who God wants me to be with. I still need talk to ** and **..." I knew I was being a jerk to Matt, but I desperately wanted to do God's will.
We decided to secretly like each other and get to know each other better. We knew we had a lot of getting to know each other to do before we would feel ready for a relationship to start. We both knew we did not want to be in a relationship with anyone unless it was who God wanted us to marry. I still thought I would talk to ** and *. However, right when I got off the phone this huge peace from the Holy Spirit came over me and a thought hit me in the head. "Abby! You are over ** and you just want to be friends with *." I felt like God was nudging me as well as sending peace over me, saying, "It is alright. You can get to know Matt and move forward."
It was scary but exciting. Refreshing to have God's peace filling me again. I told Matt about what I had felt in the morning.
In the morning we were both like "Whoa!!!!!!! What just happened? Was that a dream???" I still couldn't believe I had told Matt everything! It was not something I wanted to do AT ALL.
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I look back at that night with a smile. God's timing is perfect. Incredibly and absolutely perfect. And His plans for us are better than anything we could ever plan or dream up ourselves.
God is writing our love story beautifully.
For Matt and I it is not based on us. It is not based on "being in a relationship." It is not based on having fun. It is not based on physical touch or lust. It is based on God. Pushing each other further and further toward Him constantly.
I am sure for every God-written love story it is different. Each person has different ways they feel loved and are reflected God's love from someone else. For Matt and I our constant honesty, communication, understanding, and desire to put God first allow us to really show God's love to each other and to help each other grow in Christ both while we are together and apart.
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God is so smart. He started it all right when Matt and I wouldn't see each other more than four times for the next three and a half months. We were both happy that this made us focus on getting to know each other and expressing ourselves through words. During this time we really fell for each other's hearts for God. We talked for about three hours every day on the phone. Sometimes more, sometimes less. We also sent facebook messages to each other. We talked a lot about God, God's Word, anxiety, our struggles and sins, what we were reading and learning in Christian books, keeping God at the center of our relationship, marriage, and everything else on our minds.
That summer and every single day after, God allows us to help each other an incredible amount every day. By pushing each other to surrender everything to God and to pray when we are fighting anxiety, we both are able to grow more in the Lord each day than ever before. We keep each other accountable for our sins. Matt has been the only person to ask me the questions I need to be asked when struggling with emotional eating and anxiety. "What makes me do it in the first place?" We have both pushed each other to get to the root of the anxiety and satisfy whatever our mind is anxious about with God. God's love, forgiveness, gift of eternal life in Heaven, His promises, and the fact that He is in control are what we need to constantly find peace and joy in.
By the time we announced our relationship to others in July, we were very sure God had us together for a purpose. We constantly prayed to Him asking if He wanted us to be married. First and foremost, we want to do His will. We both confirmed we would be happy for what He had done through our relationship, even if He ever told us we should not be together anymore. As more and more time passed, we became more and more convinced that our relationship was doing what a relationship should: being used to push each other to fall more and more in love with Jesus. And we just knew. God made us for each other. God filled us with faith. No doubt. I am extremely blessed to know I will one day be reflecting Christ's love to Matt Moran as his wife!!!
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Dear LORD,
Thank You!!!!!!
Thank You for Your timing. Thank You that up until last year I wanted to be single forever. That in high school I thought boys were disgusting. Thank You that I have never been and never will be physically attracted to anyone except Matt!! From high school onward, I was convinced it was the inside not the outside that mattered. It is Matt's heart for Jesus that I fall for more and more every day. Now because of his heart, he's insanely attractive to me from the inside out. When I look at Matt I see Jesus. I see love, kindness, honesty, humility, understanding, patience, respect, gentleness, wisdom, faithfulness and devotion to God.
Thank You for all the good and the bad. All of the kind words, all of the help, all of the love, all of the time spent together talking, listening, and understanding have really reminded me of You. Drawn me to You. Made me appreciate how much You understand me. How much You love everything about me. Have made me want to spend more and more time romancing and falling for You, Jesus.
But thanks also for all the struggles. Thank You Lord for each and every argument. Each and every time we have not been there for each other. Thank You that all of these have pushed us even farther toward the center: You!!! Thank You that all of our struggles have made us realize we need to change for You. We need more love in our hearts. Our struggles have really made me realize I need to fill my heart more and more with the kind of love described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Along with always strengthening our relationship with You, all of our arguments and struggles always end with Matt and I loving each other more. Thank You Lord!!!
Thank You that I have never wanted to touch anyone except Matt. Thank You that we are both willing to go slow with physical touch, saving every part of sex for where it is sacred, in marriage. Thank You that our physical touch isn't about us. It isn't about selfish desires. It is about You. It is about showing each other Your love. It reminds me that You are hugging me constantly. You are holding my hand constantly. It reminds me to rest in You. That You appreciate everything about me. Thank You that all of it is only a reflection of Your love for me. Your love for me IS SO MUCH GREATER than anything.
Thank You that we are not dependent on touch, time together, or our relationship with each other over our relationship with You. Yes, everything we do for each other is wonderful. It has SO MUCH meaning behind it. It has our love and affection for each other, but even more so it has Your love behind it. But we both know it is Your love and Your touch we need. We understand this is all only an extremely beautiful reflection of our relationship with You. We understand it is You we will be eternally married to in Heaven.
When I go to bed at night I want to always thank You for Matt, for all my other brothers and sisters in Christ, for all the amazing change you have brought to my life, but mostly I want to think about Your AMAZING love. I don't want to daydream or fantasize about anything with Matt. Ever. That would take away from what You really have in store for us. Instead I want to daydream about You, Jesus. Your beautiful love.Thank You for blessing me with a man of Christ who I am more in love with than I can ever describe in words. Thank You for the best eight months of my life!! Mostly, Thank You that we use our relationship to constantly push each other toward You and show each other Your love.
Your eternal love and romance are what holds me together Jesus. Thank You!!!
"In this marriage of our hearts, there is no death do us part. For You are eternal, and I am eternally Yours."
