songs that speak to me.

I've started a song collection on youtube with playlists that contain songs that speak to me, help me when I'm struggling, and inspire me to just let Him love and hold me through everything.

Here is the link to the youtube playlist/channel I created: http://www.youtube.com/user/waiting4myJesus?feature=mhee

My name is waiting4myJesus

I am putting songs into  categories so far:
 "when everything falls apart"
"in the hardest times; remembering we will one day be Home"
"why I praise"
"while I'm waiting"
"for struggles and unfun days"
"reasons to thank Him"
"help me live for You"
"celebrating our Savior's birth"

My hope is that others will run into the channel and the songs will remind them of God's beautiful love, compassion and mercy for all of us and of the Hope, freedom, Life, promises, and Joy we have in Christ alone. 


I listen to my friend Kaitlyn's playlists: "Kaitlyn122's Channel" often. Especially when I am struggling. When I need His grace and love desperately, to save me from all the fears and from the failure I feel in this world. I need to listen to songs like these every day. I am just a broken sinner, constantly in need of His Word, His compassion, His mercy, love, and grace.



... He is SO GOOD.

Pokémon & Praise

I really love when the kids play Pokémon . It makes me smile wide, inside and outside. First off, it reminds me of Matt. Okay, that's the main reason!! Haha. But secondly, to me playing and liking Pokémon represents child-like faith and simplicity. Jut getting lost in something simple. Being a kid. Playing like a kid. Imagining like a kid. Going on an adventure like a kid. Having fun! Child-like faith and joy.

I love watching the kids as they run around outside. One kid being Pikachu, another being Squirtle. Whenever they starting talking about Pokémon I always tell them, "I wish my boyfriend Matt was here. He loves Pokémon and would love to talk to you about it!"

Another thing I really love, even more, is when the kids talk about Heaven! I've smiled widely listeing to them talk about this multiple times.

"When we got to Heaven we all become angels."
"No," (I said,) "We don't become angels. Angels are separate. I don't know exactly what we are like in Heaven, but I'm guessing we are like Jesus after He rose from the dead. A Spirit and a body. Still able to eat food, but maybe able to go through walls? We don't know exactly what we'll be like, but we do know we will be filled with joy. There will be no tears, no pain, nothing bad."
"Ya." (huge adorable smile) "We will be happy!"
"I think in Heaven I will probably play games." (cute dreamy smile)
"Yes, I think you're right. You probably will."
"If my soul remembers it, I bet I will probably play Pokémon in Heaven."
"Yes, I really bet you will." :D


One day as I was bringing the kids to a Red Hawks baseball game, I was singing to the music, smiling wide, thinking, "Driving a van full of kids, hearing half of them singing sweetly and innocently to the Christian music on the radio and hearing half of them talking excitedly about Pokémon, it doesn't get better than this." :D :D :D

Mark 10

The Little Children and Jesus

¹³ People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. ¹⁴ When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. ¹⁵ Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” ¹⁶ And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.
-Mark 10: 13-16

kids and the healing power of Jesus

I love my job and wish I could work at Christian childcare for life. Watching the kids really fills me with happiness and love, a smile in my heart. ... :)


I get to do Devotion (a Bible study!) with them every morning. I smile wide inside as they really listen, hear, understand, and take interest in the Bible messages. One time I talked about how Jesus has the ability to heal us of sickness, disease, wounds, pain, addictions, etc. We had to put a limit on how many kids could share. All of them had stories! Multiple stories. :D I got to hear them all throughout that day!

During that devotion another teacher shared how prayer helped her miraculously recover in unexpected ways after a surgery. One kid shared how her grandpa was supposed to have surgery and everyone was praying for him about it. Then on the day of the surgery, the doctors couldn't believe it, he was already miraculously healed!! The doctors had to send him back home. He was perfectly healed. I've heard multiple stories from other people about this same thing happening as a result of prayer.

Kids shared about relatives who were expected to die living, as a result of prayers from their family and community. I shared about being healed from some anxiety disorders.

The point of the devotion about healings from Jesus is found in Acts 4. When Jesus heals us or people we should share it with others so that they might believe in Him. And we can use that time to tell people how to be saved from hell: by believing in Jesus.

Acts 4

Peter and John Before the Sanhedrin

¹ The priests and the captain of the temple guard and the Sadducees came up to Peter and John while they were speaking to the people. ² They were greatly disturbed because the apostles were teaching the people, proclaiming in Jesus the resurrection of the dead. ³ They seized Peter and John and, because it was evening, they put them in jail until the next day. ⁴ But many who heard the message believed; so the number of men who believed grew to about five thousand.

⁵ The next day the rulers, the elders and the teachers of the law met in Jerusalem. ⁶ Annas the high priest was there, and so were Caiaphas, John, Alexander and others of the high priest’s family. ⁷ They had Peter and John brought before them and began to question them: “By what power or what name did you do this?”

⁸ Then Peter, filled with the Holy Spirit, said to them: “Rulers and elders of the people! ⁹ If we are being called to account today for an act of kindness shown to a man who was lame and are being asked how he was healed, ¹⁰ then know this, you and all the people of Israel: It is by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, whom you crucified but whom God raised from the dead, that this man stands before you healed. ¹¹ Jesus is

“‘the stone you builders rejected,
which has become the cornerstone.’^[a]

¹² Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved.”

¹³ When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus. ¹⁴ But since they could see the man who had been healed standing there with them, there was nothing they could say. ¹⁵ So they ordered them to withdraw from the Sanhedrin and then conferred together. ¹⁶ “What are we going to do with these men?” they asked. “Everyone living in Jerusalem knows they have performed a notable sign, and we cannot deny it. ¹⁷ But to stop this thing from spreading any further among the people, we must warn them to speak no longer to anyone in this name.”

¹⁸ Then they called them in again and commanded them not to speak or teach at all in the name of Jesus. ¹⁹ But Peter and John replied, “Which is right in God’s eyes: to listen to you, or to him? You be the judges! ²⁰ As for us, we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard.”

²¹ After further threats they let them go. They could not decide how to punish them, because all the people were praising God for what had happened. ²² For the man who was miraculously healed was over forty years old.

The kids understood this point! They get that people are saved or unsaved by believing or not believing in Jesus Christ. That blows my mind and excites me! I didn't understand that fully until last year.


I shared with them miracles I've seen this year like the wellness center miracle and how I've shared these miracles with nonbelievers. I can see people being surprised. Seeds being planted!


Jesus is working every day. We have so many reasons and opportunities to share with others about the salvation that comes only from Him. :) And we have nothing to fear! He will help us.

my 7 and 8-year-old cousins sang this song tonight

This is what my two cousins sang as we jumped on the tramp tonight. I typed it up exactly as I remember it.







"God is our King, and Jesus is our Prince. And They are all we need!
God is our King, and Jesus is our Prince, and They are all we need!

We don't need the king of London. We don't need the king of London.
The king of London will make us die!
God is our King, and Jesus is our Prince. They are all we need.
Not the king of London. Not the king of China. They will make us die.


We have God as our King and Jesus as our Prince. And they give us healthy food. They give us all we need and more than what we need.
All we need is God as our King and Jesus as our Prince, and healthy food.
God gives God as our King and Jesus as our Prince, healthy food, and more than what we need.

We need God. We need God. All we need is God!
God is our King, and Jesus is our Prince, and They are all we need.

God is our King. God is our King.
With the other kings we will die. But with God we have Life.
With God we have Life. We have Life. We have Life.

God is our King, and Jesus is our Prince. They are our true King!




God loves us. He is with us. He is always by our side.
He loves us. He saves us. He died for us.
He gives us this wonderful Life!

He is here with us.
He is always with us.
He is always by our side.
Even on the trampoline. He is jumping with us.
Having fun with us.
He is with us all the time, every day, and when we pray.

He loves us.
We are His children.
He gives us Life and wants us to have fun.
He wants us to have fun in this life, every day.


He loves us.
He saved us.
He delivers us from all evil!


He gives us food, He gives us friends.
He gives us our family.
He is with us. And He loves us.
He gives us all we need. And more than what we need.
He gives us this wonderful wonderful Life.
And He just wants us to have fun.


We are thankful. We are thankful. We are thankful.
Because He gives us Life. We are thankful. We are thankful. We are thankful.
He gives us this Life. And He gives us everything we need!
And we thank Him. We thank Him. And we thank Him. We thank Him every day.

He is with us. Always.
Through any troubles.
So we don't have to fear!

He is always with us.
Sometimes He hugs us.
Sometimes He even touches me at night. That is always kind of creepy.
But He is with us, always with us.
So we are always safe.



He loves us.
He bleeds for us.
He forgives us.
He forgives us for everything!

He gives us Life.
He gives us Life.
He wants us to have fun.
And He wants us to love others.
He gives us food to eat. He gives us food to eat and to share with those who don't have any.

He wants us to please Him.
He wants us to love others.
He wants us to share with others.
He doesn't want us to lie!
That does not please Him.

He wants us to do good. To love Him. And to please Him.
To love others. And obey Him.

God is big.
God is big.
God is bigger than you and me.
He is bigger than anything.
He is bigger than our house. Bigger than our world.
Bigger than we can ever imagine.

He watches us. He watches us.
Always. He sees us. He watches us from Heaven.
He watches us.
He sees kids jumping on the tramp having fun.
He watches us. Always. So we don't have to fear.

Even though He's busy, He still watches us. He still loves us. He is still with all of us!

And He loves us. He loves us. He loves us more than we can ever imagine or describe!..."









... Those are the beautiful words exactly as I remember them.

What could be a better picture of pure, beautiful, fearless, child-like faith?


The best part is all that they sang was the Truth. :D
We are the children of God.






"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. ² He was with God in the beginning. ³ Through Him all things were made; without Him nothing was made that has been made. ⁴ In Him was Life, and that Life was the light of all mankind. ⁵ The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

⁹ The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. ¹⁰ He was in the world, and though the world was made through Him, the world did not recognize Him. ¹¹ He came to that which was His own, but His own did not receive him. ¹² Yet to all who did receive Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God— ¹³ children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.

¹⁴ The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us. We have seen His glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth."

-John 1:1-5, 1:9-14

"Since the children have flesh and blood, He too shared in their humanity so that by His death He might break the power of him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil— ¹⁵ and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death. ¹⁶ For surely it is not angels He helps, but Abraham’s descendants. ¹⁷ For this reason He had to be made like them, fully human in every way, in order that He might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that He might make atonement for the sins of the people. ¹⁸ Because He himself suffered when He was tempted, He is able to help those who are being tempted. 1 Therefore, holy brothers and sisters, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus."
-Hebrews 2:14-18, 3:1

Children of God

I love my job at Hope Lutheran children's summer day camps/childcare. A LOT.
And it has made me think hard lately about what it means to be a child of God.


I love those kids. My heart breaks for them. I want what is best for them. Always. I want them to be happy!! To love God. To understand and know Him. To be filled with joy over Him and to understand His love and forgiveness.

I don't want them to misbehave. I want them to do right. To love and serve God. To follow the rules. To obey me. To be kind and loving to everyone. I want this because I know it is best for them.

And when they do wrong, it saddens me. I sternly have to ask them to stop, and punish them if they continue misbehaving. But even when they are misbehaving terribly, even when they are being incredibly rude, unloving, and completely horrible beyond belief, I still love them SO MUCH. My heart aches for them. It wonders how they got like that. I want so badly for them to be on the right path. To be saved. To love God and others. And to understand God's love for them.

This has given me a glimpse into God's own heart for us. He loves us so incredibly much. Like children!!! He really wants us to do right and follow His commands. But when we do wrong He looks at us with complete mercy and compassion. And unlike me when I watch those kids, He understands completely what we are going through. He understands why we do what we do!! He understands our pain more than we do, and it saddens and pains Him. He doesn't think any of our pain or troubles are silly. Instead He wants to listen to us. He wants to hold us softly in His arms until the pain passes. He wants to hold us until we are happy to go run and play again.

He is a Dad that beams out of love for us when we do right. More than anything though, He is a Dad who beams out of love for all us no matter what. No matter how bad we are or have been!!!

He knows our names and every little detail about us. He loves to spend time with us. He loves to see us have fun. He loves to watch us doing what we love to do. He loves to meet our needs!! He loves to make us happy. He loves to scoop us into His arms, twirl us around, tickle us until we laugh so hard we cry. He is gentle and tender, compassionate, kind, merciful, patient, understanding, faithful, and gracious.

He is better than any Father we could ever imagine or dream up. He always keeps us safe. He never lets us down. He is always there. And He gently tells us again and again, "Please don't cry. Please don't worry. I forgive you. I love you. I will help you. You are so precious and beautiful to Me."


All He ever wants to do is just wrap us in His arms of love.






Thinking about all of this has made me understand His mercy and grace even better. It has made me understand how He wants us to do right and please Him for our own good. How He will punish us and ask us to do right, but ultimately how much He always love and forgives us SO much more than He is ever angry or punishing. He always looks on us with His love of the Perfect Father.

I want to love others like this. Like they are my children. With this kind of love and forgiveness. With this kind of interest in them. Willing to listen and spend time with them. Willing to lavish love on them no matter what. I also want to learn to love myself this way. That is probably hardest of all for me. I am so strict with myself. So angry at myself. And always tend to make it about works instead of grace.


I need Him. I need my Father. I desperately need His arms, mercy, compassion, and grace.




"The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
⁹ He will not always accuse,
nor will He harbor His anger forever;
¹⁰ He does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
¹¹ For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is His love for those who fear Him;
¹² as far as the east is from the west,
so far has He removed our transgressions from us.
¹³ As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him;
¹⁴ for He knows how we are formed,
He remembers that we are dust."
-Psalm 103:8-14




"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know Him. ² Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. ³ All who have this hope in Him purify themselves, just as He is pure."
-1 John 3:1-3

Sleeping Beauty

On April 30th I went to Messiah Dance Theatre's production of Sleeping Beauty.



I had started that day off by reading my friend Kaitlyn's blog entry, "He is coming" and listening to her playlists. http://hereinyourpresence.blogspot.com/
http://www.youtube.com/user/Kaitilyn122#p/p
(If you go to the link above the five links on the right side of the page starting with "I Will Praise Your Name" are her playlists.)


Starting off the day thinking about Him coming for His bride (me), thinking about being with Him in Heaven, and thinking about His GREAT love, mercy, and tenderness toward me even though I am so sinful, filled me with joy and peace.


Then at the show the song lyrics filled me with SO much joy. Especially the song "Here In This Moment."


When Joni came out, reading from the Bible and sharing her poem, I was overwhelmed. The symbolism of Christ and the Church from Sleeping Beauty is something I've never thought about before. It is beautiful. And so true.


Though this world may fill us with pain and sorrow, one day in Heaven Jesus will awaken us with a kiss. Our life here on earth will only be like a dream. A tiny part of a much much bigger picture. We will be fully awakened to His deep deep love for us. Love that is beyond our earthly understanding. And we will finally live happily ever after with Jesus.


This fills me with so much joy and peace when I think about it. I am overwhelmed by the Beauty of it all. And by His love. :)


Joni also talked about how God wants to awaken our hearts right now to His love. Though we can't fully understand how much He loves us and we can't fully feel the peace and joy until we reach Heaven, He desperately wants to awaken us right now. To open our eyes to Him.

To awaken those who are sleeping. Lost. Afraid. Or living without Him.

And for all of us who do know Him, He wants to awaken our hearts to something deeper every day. He wants to awaken us to live for Him. Powerfully and boldly. Defeating Satan. Sharing His Word with others. Being One with Christ by allowing ourselves to walk with the Spirit in all we do.


God awakening those who are lost or struggling to His love is something I have been thinking about a lot lately. It relates to what I wrote about in my post "Prayer Warrior part one; Not dead, merely asleep." As the show continued I was thinking hard about one of my greatest desires: for all to know the beautiful peace and joy that comes from knowing Christ's love and promise of Heaven. I just want everyone to be saved so badly. It brought tears to my eyes, making me want to cry.








Joni's poem:

Sleeping Beauty

I am Sleeping Beauty, I was hidden in the earth
I knew not my calling, nor the purpose of my birth
Awaken me, awaken me to thy Divine Love
Let my thoughts be lifted up to that which is above
To know that destination for which I was born
To be by Your side, for this Your heart was torn
My passage on this earth may be brutal at times
full of sadness and sorrow
But when You awaken me with Your kiss in Eternity,
I will know it was only a dream

My prayer is that right now we can find our peace in His grace. In His love and forgiveness for us even though we sin and fail Him day after day. I pray that His compassion, mercy, and His daily rescue and saving grace can fill us with joy! And make us want to share His grace and love with others. I pray that the promise of Heaven, even when this life is horrible, hard, ugly, and unfair, fills us with hope as we walk through our days.

If you could pray for me about the following I would greatly appreciate it: I want to allow Him to awaken my heart daily. To more and more of Him. To what He has for me right here and now! I want to live for Him. Stop making excuses. Stop getting stuck in my ruts or pulled down by my anxiety and fear. I'm awake and alive with Him!! Now I want to start living like it. Letting Him work and love through me.

I'm at war with the world
And they try to pull me into the dark
I struggle to find my faith
As I'm slipping from Your arms

It's getting harder to stay awake
And my strength is fading fast
You breathe into me at last

I'm awake, I'm alive
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life

(Here, right now)
Right here, right now
Stand my ground and never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake, and I'm alive

I'm at war with the world
'Cause I ain't never gonna sell my soul
I've already made up my mind
No matter what, I can't be bought or sold

When my faith is getting weak
And I feel like giving in
You breathe into me again

I'm awake, I'm alive
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life

(Here, right now)
Right here, right now
Stand my ground and never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake, and I'm alive

Waking up, waking up
Waking up, waking up
Waking up, waking up
Waking up, waking up in the dark

I can feel You in my sleep
In Your arms, I feel You breathe into me
Forever hold this heart that I will give to you
Forever I will live for You

I'm awake, I'm alive
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life

(Here, right now)
Right here, right now
Stand my ground and never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake, and I'm alive

Waking up, waking up
Waking up, waking up
Waking up, waking up
Waking up, waking up


















So here I am ready to have all of You
So here I am waiting for You and

Nothing can change the way
I feel when I’m with You
You give me a peace
That surpasses all understanding
And no one can tell me
There's a better place than with You
You give love everlasting

Oh, here You come
Arms open wide (come fill me)
Oh, cause You are the one
Who fulfills all my desires

You are love, You are life
You're the air that I breathe
You're my day and my night
You’re my joy, You’re my peace
You're the wings for my flight
And vision to my sight
You are truth, You are power
You gave me faith to believe
Brought me straight to my knees
Now I'm standing
Here in this moment, with You
There's nowhere I'd rather be

There's only One who can truly satisfy me
Only You can give me everything that I need
And as high as the heavens are above the earth
You’ve shown me Your love so unconditionally

Oh, here You come
With Your arms open wide (come fill me)
Oh cause You are the one
Who can fill me with this fire

There's nothing that I can do without You
I know life only because of Your love
I just can't breathe without You
I'm so crazy about You
And I know love only because of Your life
Oh You overwhelm me with Your love
Oh You overwhelm me, You overwhelm me

Sleeping Beauty and the Price; Christ and the Church

Marriage here on earth is a beautiful illustration of Christ's relationship with us (the church.)

"²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰ for we are members of his body. ³¹ “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” ³² This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband"
-Ephesians 5:22-33

In Messiah Dance Theatre's production of Sleeping Beauty, the way Aurora was awakened from her sleep by the prince and taken into his arms so that the two could dance together filled with love and passion for each other was beautiful. It gives us a picture of what God wants to do in our hearts. On earth, and even more so in Heaven. He wants to awaken us from our fear, from turning to this world, so that He can dance with us. He wants us to walk with and dance with Him, making us one with Him. He is filled with love, passion, care, and grace for us. ... Wow. :D



This also paints a picture of what marriage should look like if it is doing what God made it to do: symbolize Christ and the church. ... And this is a beautiful picture!





I have so many prayers and thoughts concerning all of this. We are living in a broken and fallen world where marriages and relationships rarely paint a good picture of Christ and the church. It is also so easy for us to idolize marriage and relationships. To try to find our main source of satisfaction from them instead of from the only relationship where true joy, hope, peace, and love is found: our relationship with Christ. I pray that we romance Him, grow in love for Him, and spend time with Him, more than we do with any person, even our husbands or wives.


For all the marriages or relationships that are already broken, I pray for forgiveness and healing. I also pray for all to turn to Christ's love and the hope of being with Him in Heaven to get them through. I pray that our eyes will be opened to see that Christ covers all of our brokenness, weakness, and pain perfectly like no one else ever can. I pray that all the struggles and trials bring us to Him. To the cross. And to the hope we have of dancing with Him in Eternity.


For those who are single, who want to be in a relationship somday, I pray for patience. That they can really enjoy this time, using it to grow closer to and romance the Lord. That they wait for the one person God has for them. It will be worth it!!! And that they find enough hope and love in Christ to fill them with peace and joy during any hard times.

I pray that girls would not be afraid to sing and live by these lyrics:

"So what I'm not your average girl
I don't meet the standards of this world
Chasing after boys is not my thing
See I'm waiting for a wedding ring

No more dating
I'm just waiting
Like sleeping beauty
My prince will come for me
No more dating I'm just waiting
'Cause God is writing my love story

Boys are bad that's certainly not true
'Cause God's preparing one for you
If you get tired waiting till he comes
God's arms are the perfect place to run

Sleep that's the only thing
For me 'cause when I sleep God's
Preparing one for me"

-"Average Girl" Barlow Girl

For all relationships, I pray that they would be filled with Christ's love, care, and forgiveness. That they would show the world a picture of Christ and the church. I pray relationships would be used to bring those in them and others closer to God. That both good and bad times would lead us to romance, grow closer to, and find hope in our eternal Lover, Jesus.

Tiny glimpses

I am blessed.
Beyond what I ever dreamed or imagined.
Far beyond what I deserve.


To have someone here on earth who shows me glimpses of His love.
Glimpses deeper than I've ever seen or felt before.



I can be a kid! Me.
Filled with loud laughter and joy.

I can express all my thoughts and feelings, whether they are deep or random to someone who is eager and always ready to listen.


I feel free. Alive. Unafraid.
Able to show my love for Christ boldly and passionately.





And often I come, ashamed. Feeling guilty, anxious, afraid, horrible, and ugly.
But ready to confess the wrong I've done.
I am scared.
I've done something against God and Matt.
Something that hurts them.

But instead of the anger and punishment I so rightly deserve, with my honesty, my words of "I'm sorry," with my repentance, I am covered.

Covered in love. Forgiveness.
Words of "I love you." "I forgive you." "You are so beautiful."
He takes my hand and holds it. Gives me a warm hug.
And lavishes on love that I could never, never deserve.




I am so incredibly thankful.
Thankful that God has blessed me with Matt.







That through his love for me I am able to see tiny glimpses. Reflections. Of His GREAT love and mercy for me.


I can neither imagine or comprehend the depth of God's heart for me. His blood covers all my sins. His strength covers all my weakness perfectly.

He is a generous, compassionate, merciful, gracious Father, Best Friend, and Lover. He is always excited to lavish me in WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY more love and forgiveness than I could ever deserve.



I am thankful for Jesus more than anything.
His beautiful beautiful heart for me.





I can't wait for Him to come again.
For our wedding.


To walk with Him.
Hold His hand.
Dance with Jesus in Eternity.


His love is Amazing.

"Some day, we'll be together.
Some sweet day, we'll be together..."

The Bridegroom.

About two month ago when I was at a prayer meeting, other brothers and sisters of Christ where sharing visions and prophecies from God.

One person shared a vision of Christ (the Bridegroom) and His bride (you.) Here is what I wrote down from the beautiful vision...

"The bride is waiting at the door. This time the Bridegroom doesn't wait for her at the alter. He meets her at the door, to walk her all the way down the aisle. Once the Bridegroom touches her hand her garments are illuminated. (meaning illuminated by light. they can now be seen.) Rags. Filth! Rags clinging to her body. Covering her. Clinging to her.

It isn't until she touches His hand that these rags and filth covering her become visible. But once He touches her they are illuminated for all to see. For her family to see! All of her [disgusting sin] is exposed before those closer to her. Before her family's eyes!"

(I don't know if I remember the rest of the vision right, but I think) As the Bridegroom walks her down the aisle the rags and filth start falling, peeling off, falling to the floor.

... This vision reminds me of my friend James's dream. He told me about it awhile ago, and I asked him to send me a facebook message describing it...

"I remember being in a building and wondering around. It was a party of sorts, the mood was one of mixing with people - a good feeling. I didn't really have a purpose for being there per se, but I was engaged in moving around at the time. Anyway, eventually I came through a door standing in the middle of the room that people were passing through and moving on to another section of the building. I didn't know why I was passing through it but as soon as I did, I realized I had lots of dusty spider webs hanging on me and I was suddenly aware that I was very bent over. I straitened up and dusted off the webs with disgust. The dream was a description of death and the release of disgusting sin. I'm so looking forward to when I'll finally get all of this sin off me!! I can't even feel all the disgustingness of it while I'm alive either. For Christians, death means FREEDOM FROM SIN! I just want to be with my Jesus forever and not have to deal with anything that takes me away from Him. Praise God because He deserves it!"

When he first described the dream to me it was a picture of light illuminating the darkness. He described it also as when he touched Jesus's hand as he entered Heaven that he finally realized how incredibly bent over under filth he was. And that only by touching Jesus's hand was the filth able to fall off.


... what beautiful visions for us to look forward to as we await the coming of our Bridegroom. I can't wait to get all this disgusting FILTH and sin off me either!!!

I can't wait for freedom.
And to dance with the Bridegroom.
My Jesus. :)

"They came to John and said to him, 'Rabbi, that man who was with you on the other side of the Jordan—the one you testified about—look, he is baptizing, and everyone is going to him.' To this John replied, 'A person can receive only what is given them from heaven. You yourselves can testify that I said, ‘I am not the Messiah but am sent ahead of him.’ The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom’s voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete. He must become greater; I must become less.'"
-John 3:26-30



(Paul writes:) "I hope you will put up with me in a little foolishness. Yes, please put up with me! I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy. I promised you to one husband, to Christ, so that I might present you as a pure virgin to Him. But I am afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpent’s cunning, your minds may somehow be led astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ. For if someone comes to you and preaches a Jesus other than the Jesus we preached, or if you receive a different spirit from the Spirit you received, or a different gospel from the one you accepted, you put up with it easily enough"
-2 Corinthians 11:1-4

"Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her to sanctify her by cleansing her with the washing of the water by the Word, so that He may present the church t Himself as glorious--not having a stain or wrinkle, or any such blemish, but holy and blameless."
-Ephesians 5:25-27

'"Let us rejoice and be glad
and give him glory!
For the wedding of the Lamb has come,
and his bride has made herself ready.
Fine linen, bright and clean,
was given her to wear.'

(Fine linen stands for the righteous acts of God’s holy people.)

Then the angel said to me, 'Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!' And he added, 'These are the true words of God.'

At this I fell at his feet to worship him. But he said to me, 'Don’t do that! I am a fellow servant with you and with your brothers and sisters who hold to the testimony of Jesus. Worship God! For it is the Spirit of prophecy who bears testimony to Jesus.'”

-Revelation 19:7-10

He isn't about flow, but counter-flow.

I went to a really beautiful two and a half hour long Easter Vigil service at the Catholic church with my grandpa and sister. The more I read the Word the more I really love going to the Catholic church. I don't agree with absolutely everything they do and believe, but the mass is beautifully filled with scripture!! The prayers are strait from the Bible. We sang so many beautiful Psalms!! I asked my grandpa if he can get me the books that have the sermons and prayers before they are thrown away. I loved everything we prayed, sang, and read, so much!! Because it was straight from the Bible, and the Word always fills me with joy!




Anyway, the Priest gave a really good sermon.


He said, "Jesus is Radical. Counter-cultural.
He isn't about flow, but counter-flow.
He's about Care. Concern. Chastity.
Compassion. Truth. Keeping your word.
Respecting women, and not lusting after them.
true Joy!"



The message said a lot more good stuff too. The message he preached was that we need to be careful when we say we want to be like Jesus. When we say we want to be one with Him. Jesus is different! Radical. Counter-cultural. Do we really want to go against the norm? Do we really want to let Him in? Let Him work in us??


I do.
And I will add a few more to the list: He's about spending time at His Father's house. Loving your enemies. Turning your other cheek rather than seeking revenge.
Discipleship. Honesty. Brotherly love.
He's Rebellious. An enemy of the world. Non-materialistic.
Radical, CRAZY love for God and for all.

²⁴ "Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. ²⁵For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. ²⁶For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? ²⁷For the Son of man shall come in the glory of his Father with his angels; and then he shall reward every man according to his works. ²⁸Verily I say unto you, There be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of man coming in his kingdom."
-Matthew 16:24-28

Jesus said, "You study the Scriptures diligently because you think that in them you have eternal life. These are the very Scriptures that testify about me, ⁴⁰ yet you refuse to come to me to have life. ⁴¹ “I do not accept glory from human beings, ⁴² but I know you. I know that you do not have the love of God in your hearts. ⁴³ I have come in my Father’s name, and you do not accept me; but if someone else comes in his own name, you will accept him. ⁴⁴ How can you believe since you accept glory from one another but do not seek the glory that comes from the only God?"

-John 5:39-44
“The master commended the dishonest manager because he had acted shrewdly. For the people of this world are more shrewd in dealing with their own kind than are the people of the light. ⁹ I tell you, use worldly wealth to gain friends for yourselves, so that when it is gone, you will be welcomed into eternal dwellings. ¹⁰ “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. ¹¹ So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? ¹² And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else’s property, who will give you property of your own? ¹³ “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.” ¹⁴ The Pharisees, who loved money, heard all this and were sneering at Jesus. ¹⁵ He said to them, “You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of others, but God knows your hearts. What people value highly is detestable in God’s sight.
-Luke 16:8-15

Which Jesus do you follow?
Which Jesus do you serve?
If Ephesians says to imitate Christ
Then why do you look so much like the world?

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant
So which one do you want to be?

Blessed are the poor in spirit
Or do we pray to be blessed with the wealth of this land
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness
Or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand

Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins
He spent His time with thieves and sluts and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the rich
So which one do you want to be?

Who is this that you follow
This picture of the American dream
If Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side or fall down and worship at His holy feet

Pretty blue eyes and curly brown hair and a clear complexion
Is how you see Him as He dies for Your sins
But the Word says He was battered and scarred
Or did you miss that part
Sometimes I doubt we'd recognize Him

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and the least of these
He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable
So which one do you want to be?

Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church
The blood and dirt on His feet might stain the carpet
But He reaches for the hurting and despises the proud
I think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd
And I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud

I want to be like my Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!

Not a posterchild for American prosperity, but like my Jesus
You see I'm tired of living for success and popularity
I want to be like my Jesus but I'm not sure what that means to be like You Jesus
Cause You said to live like You, love like You but then You died for me
Can I be like You Jesus?
I want to be like You Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!

the gruesome Truth. the Lamb. and the Glorious day.

When I think of Jesus, I get a picture of a man in my mind. A humble man, with a soft smile on His lips. I see Him extending His arms out to little children, ruffling their hair, calling them by name. Then He sees me, approaching Him on the grassy field. He calls to me, takes my hand, and He walks with me. I am filled with child-like faith, joy, and peace as I walk with Jesus into the distance...


I day dream about this all the time, picturing me and Jesus, walking in Heaven, laughing together.

The Jesus I most often picture is: Love, Compassion, Humility, Gentleness, Peace, Beauty through Mercy and Grace.


This picture is beautiful. It definitely represents a part of who Jesus is, but it is a very very very limited view compared to all of who He is and was when He was here on earth.

1 "Who has believed our message
and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
2 He grew up before Him like a tender shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to Him,
nothing in His appearance that we should desire Him.
3 He was despised and rejected by mankind,
a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
Like one from whom people hide their faces
He was despised, and we held Him in low esteem.

4 Surely He took up our pain
and bore our suffering,
yet we considered Him punished by God,
stricken by Him, and afflicted.
5 But He was pierced for our transgressions,
He was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on Him,
and by His wounds we are healed.
6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to our own way;
and the LORD has laid on Him
the iniquity of us all.

7 He was oppressed and afflicted,
yet He did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
and as a sheep before its shearers is silent,
so He did not open his mouth.
8 By oppression and judgment he was taken away.
Yet who of His generation protested?
For He was cut off from the land of the living;
for the transgression of my people He was punished.

9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
and with the rich in His death,
though He had done no violence,
nor was any deceit in His mouth.

10 Yet it was the LORD’s will to crush Him and cause Him to suffer,
and though the LORD makes His life an offering for sin,
He will see His offspring and prolong His days,
and the will of the LORD will prosper in His hand.
11 After He has suffered,
He will see the light of life and be satisfied;
by His knowledge my righteous servant will justify many,
and He will bear their iniquities.
12 Therefore I will give Him a portion among the great,
and He will divide the spoils with the strong,
because He poured out His life unto death,
and was numbered with the transgressors.
For He bore the sin of many,
and made intercession for the transgressors."

-Isaiah 53:1-12

In the past week I have read this passage again and again and again every day. I've been reading Isaiah a lot lately, and when I came across this passage, I was filled with joy! And awe! I didn't remember ever reading it before (or realizing it was about Jesus before--though I have read the Bible many times in the past, and I'm sure each and every time I have been filled with a similar joy in the fact that some of words in here are very famous words I sing all the time, "He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our sins; the punishment that brought us peace was on Him, and by His wounds we are healed." Even so, I had forgotten about this prophesy in Isaiah!!)



Each time I read it again and again, I am still filled with so much awe, and amazement. Wow. Jesus was disgusting in appearance. Not always beautiful on the outside like I picture Him. Isaiah says, "He had no beauty or majesty. Nothing that we should desire Him. Like one whom people hide their faces."

On the outside He was gross. Disgusting. Bloody. Wounded. And scarred. If we saw Jesus with the crown of thorns piercing through His head, with His beaten and pierced skin, with nails through His hands and feet, we would have to turn our heads. We'd be too disgusted to even look. We would not want to remember the horrible sight. We'd be more comfortable forgetting. Not seeing.

But this is Jesus!!!!!!

My precious Jesus. The same beautiful Jesus who's Hand I long to hold became so incredibly beaten and ugly, horribly DISGUSTINGLY crucified out of love for me and love for God His Father.





This passage in Isaiah compares that gruesome death to an innocent lamb being slaughtered.


I say, "Lamb of God, Prince of Peace" all the time. But recently this has began to mean so much more to me... Lately, I have been challenging myself to think deeply about Jesus as the Lamb. The innocent little Lamb slaughtered for my sins.


Exodus chapter 12 talks about when lamb's blood was smeared on door frames for Passover. Before this happened a family had to take a lamb into their home for a few days. The children and family may have become attached to the lamb during that time, and then they had to slaughter the innocent, cute little lamb, eat it, and spread its blood on their door frame.

The Passover and the Festival of Unleavened Bread

1 "The LORD said to Moses and Aaron in Egypt, 2 “This month is to be for you the first month, the first month of your year. 3 Tell the whole community of Israel that on the tenth day of this month each man is to take a lamb for his family, one for each household. 4 If any household is too small for a whole lamb, they must share one with their nearest neighbor, having taken into account the number of people there are. You are to determine the amount of lamb needed in accordance with what each person will eat. 5 The animals you choose must be year-old males without defect, and you may take them from the sheep or the goats. 6 Take care of them until the fourteenth day of the month, when all the members of the community of Israel must slaughter them at twilight. 7 Then they are to take some of the blood and put it on the sides and tops of the doorframes of the houses where they eat the lambs. 8 That same night they are to eat the meat roasted over the fire, along with bitter herbs, and bread made without yeast. 9 Do not eat the meat raw or boiled in water, but roast it over a fire—with the head, legs and internal organs. 10 Do not leave any of it till morning; if some is left till morning, you must burn it. 11 This is how you are to at it: with your cloak tucked into your belt, your sandals on your feet and your staff in your hand. Eat it in haste; it is the LORD’s Passover. 12 “On that same night I will pass through Egypt and strike down every firstborn of both people and animals, and I will bring judgment on all the gods of Egypt. I am the LORD. 13 The blood will be a sign for you on the houses where you are, and when I see the blood, I will pass over you. No destructive plague will touch you when I strike Egypt. 14 “This is a day you are to commemorate; for the generations to come you shall celebrate it as a festival to the LORD—a lasting ordinance."

-Exodus 12:1-14

In the Old Testament the significance of the lamb was that Israel shed innocent blood. The lamb was a sacrifice. Its blood was a substitute for the blood of a person who would have been killed in the plague. From this night on Israel would remember that innocent life had been sacrificed in their place.

All of this foreshadowed what God would do with Jesus, the Lamb of God.

Jesus' blood was the ultimate sacrifice for our sins. Jesus' innocent blood was shed in our place so that we don't have to die to sin anymore. We are free from wrath! Free from the eternal fires of hell. Our sins are washed away by the blood of Jesus. God's love and Salvation now cover us. By faith in Jesus Christ we now have the gift of eternal life!!!!

"It was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your ancestors, but with the precious blood of Christ, a Lamb without blemish or defect. He was chosen before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last times for your sake. Through Him you believe in God, who raised Him from the dead and glorified Him, and so your faith and hope are in God. Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from the heart. For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God."
-1 Peter 1:18-23

I've been thinking hard about all of this. Thinking about Jesus' love for me. The love that led Him to die this gruesome way for me. And the love He had for His Father that He would be obedient to Him until death. This shows that He really believed in the Father's love for Him and for us. Jesus' radical life and death show how much He believed that the joy ahead of Him was worth it!!!! He died for us, to be the offering, the sacrifice, the Lamb, so that our sins are now forgiven through His blood. He died so He could rise again. Be in Heaven with the Father. Give us new Life through His resurrection!!! And welcome us into His Kingdom. Wow. That is love.

"Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before Him He endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
-Hebrews 12:1-3

I've also been thinking about God's love for us.

“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him."
-John 3:16-17

I can't imagine how hard and painful that was for God to watch His beloved Son die that horrible gruesome death. But God loved me that much. And God, also, knew the joy that was coming. Why did God want us to share in that joy??!! He could've been selfish. Could've kept the joy of Heaven all for Himself. But He didn't. He loved us that much. Had so much compassion that He forgives us even though we have sinned horribly against Him.

"How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
And make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon the cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

God loves and forgives a horrible horrible sinner such as me so much that He slaughtered His innocent Son, the Lamb, for my sins. And He invites me to eternal life with Him!!!

"He was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification. Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to Him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through His life! Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation."

-Romans 4:25-5:11

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom"

The best part is the joy that all this brings: the promise of eternal life!!! What a glorious day that will be when I can walk with Jesus.


Beautiful. Humble. Loving. Compassionate Jesus.


My Savior.

The Lamb.

My God.








One day when Heaven was filled with His praises
One day when sin was as black as could be
Jesus came forth to be born of a virgin
Dwelt among men, my example is He
Word became flesh and the Light shined among us
His glory revealed

Living, He loved me
Dying, He saved me
Buried, He carried my sins far away
Rising, He justified freely forever
One day He’s coming
Oh glorious day, oh glorious day

One day they led Him up Calvary’s mountain
One day they nailed Him to die on a tree
Suffering anguish, despised and rejected
Bearing our sins, my Redeemer is He
Hands that healed nations, stretched out on a tree
And took the nails for me

One day the grave could conceal Him no longer
One day the stone rolled away from the door
Then He arose, over death He had conquered
Now He’s ascended, my Lord evermore
Death could not hold Him,
the grave could not keep Him
From rising again

One day the trumpet will sound for His coming
One day the skies with His glories will shine
Wonderful day, my Beloved One, bringing
My Savior, Jesus, is mine