free.

A continuation of what I mean by feeling more "free to be me..."

I've never not been me. Believe me on this one.  I've always been very true to myself. Or... well... I just can't help it, my self/personality/who I am is just too stubborn and too me to be anything else at all. 

The thing is though I've been so angry at myself for it. For the way I am. I am always trying to find things wrong with who I am. Trying to find fault, sinfulness, selfishness in all of who I am.

And truth is: that is who I am. It's who we all are. Completely completely selfish and sinful.

... Especially me. And I can see it so so much, yet can't even see much of it at all compared to what God sees and knows.

What I've realized this year though is that that's why Jesus had to come. I can't die to myself. No matter how much I wish I could or want to, I can't. There will always be so much selfishness there, so much ugliness... there will always be that dark part of me there that I try to sweep away and hide from the world...

but what I've realized is that's okay. That's how it will always be.

That's why Jesus had to come and die for me!!!

He covers it all.

I will always be an amazing sinner, and He will always be an AMAZING SAVIOR.

... Basically every day I just have to again remind myself and fight to let His grace cover all of me.

I've always been me. ... Believe me!

But... I've always wanted to find fault with every little thing.

Now... I'm just learning to let go.

I'm going to say the wrong thing, I'm going to do the wrong thing, I'm going to mess up constantly!!!...

ugliness is always always going to be there,

I need to just let His grace cover it all.

...

Every day as I fight with this I am re-amazed by His love and grace for me.

And mostly I'm reminded by His love and grace that I AM FREE TO BE ME.

He loves me just the way I am. 

And I am learning to let go. Not be mad at myself.

But just be Real.  True. and me before Him.

(as I always have been)

but this time continunously saying "no" to all the anxiety I have about it. About wanting to do what He wants. ... That is what I always have and maybe always will struggle with most. Wanting to do what God would want me to do!!! And it's hard when I just don't know... But I'm continuously trying to trust Him with it all. To trust Him to lead be back to His plan as I go astray. Most of all to trust Him to cover me in His grace.

From arm to arm across that cross, He died to cover all of who I am.

Now, even if I am doing a lot of things wrong, even though I am and always will be so sinful and selfish, 

I feel so much more free to be the way He created me to be.

To trust Him.

To love and live for Him in the way I feel He created my heart, mind, soul, and body to. In the way I feel called to, even if I've always wanted to point my finger at it, to find things wrong with it, to believe I should be different... this does seem like the way I am created to love Him and serve Him best. Out of my very being. The way He created me. The things and ways I am best at loving and praising Him. The ways I am best at loving and serving others. ... I feel more free to do the things my mind, soul, body, and heart just seem to be made for right now. ... More free to do these things without worrying that they aren't what I should be doing.

To love Him with my whole heart, mind, body, soul, and strength whatever way that means for me at each moment.

To just let it be my story.... all between me and Jesus.

His grace sets me free. 

Free to make mistakes.


The Word tells me He wants me to remain in His love and grace.


I am thankful I can come back to Him, trust that He's in control, and most of all ask for His forgiveness always.

free to be me.

Biggest thing that's happened to me this year is that God's showed me that His grace makes me free to be me. :)

I'm free to be me.

Totally real before Him.

And His grace covers every single part of me.

That's what His arms across the cross mean.

He covers it ALL.

This amazes me every day. A lot.

And frees me.

His grace is what makes me free.



What I really want to do more than anything is show the people in my life and every person on this earth that I love them. Just the way they are.  


Because more than you can ever ever comprehend or imagine,  

God loves you. Exactly the way you are.

Amazing grace.

The Good News is it's not about me. It's about Jesus.

It's not about me.

Every single day I need to open the Word many times. To remind myself it's not about ME or what I do, it's about Jesus and what He's already done.

1 John 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. ⁶ If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. ⁷ But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

 

⁸ If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. ⁹ If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. ¹⁰ If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.

 My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. ² He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world.

³ We know that we have come to know him if we keep his commands. ⁴ Whoever says, “I know him,” but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in that person. ⁵ But if anyone obeys his word, love for God is truly made complete in them. This is how we know we are in him: ⁶ Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did.

 This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. ¹⁷ If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? ¹⁸ Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.

¹⁹ This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: ²⁰ If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. ²¹ Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God ²² and receive from him anything we ask, because we keep his commands and do what pleases him. 

 ²³ And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us. ²⁴ The one who keeps God’s commands lives in him, and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know it by the Spirit he gave us.

 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸ Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. ⁹ This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. ¹⁰ This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. ¹¹ Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.¹² No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

¹³ This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit. ¹⁴ And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. ¹⁵ If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God.¹⁶ And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. ¹⁷ This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. ¹⁸ There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

¹⁹ We love because he first loved us. ²⁰ Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. ²¹ And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.

Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God, and everyone who loves the father loves his child as well. ² This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. ³ In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, ⁴ for everyone born of God overcomes⁽ the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. ⁵ Who is it that overcomes the world? Only the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.

⁶ This is the one who came by water and blood—Jesus Christ. He did not come by water only, but by water and blood. And it is the Spirit who testifies, because the Spirit is the truth. ⁷ For there are three that testify: ⁸ the Spirit, the water and the blood; and the three are in agreement. ⁹ We accept human testimony, but God’s testimony is greater because it is the testimony of God, which he has given about his Son. ¹⁰ Whoever believes in the Son of God accepts this testimony. Whoever does not believe God has made him out to be a liar, because they have not believed the testimony God has given about his Son. ¹¹ And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. ¹² Whoever has the Son has life; whoever does not have the Son of God does not have life.

Colossians 1, 2, 3

 Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. ²² But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation— ²³ if you continue in your faith, established and firm, and do not move from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven .

^{As you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so continue to live in Him. Keep your roots deep in Him and have your lives built on Him. Be strong in the faith, just as you were taught, and always be thankful.} 

^{Be sure that no one leads you away with false and empty teaching that is only human, which comes from the ruling spirits of this world and not from Christ. All of God lives in Christ fully (even when Christ was on earth) and you have a full and true life in Christ who is ruler over all rulers and powers.} 

^{Also in Christ you had a different kind of circumcision, a circumcision not done by hands. It was through Christ's circumcision that is, His death, that you were made free from the power of your sinful self. When you were baptized you were buried with Christ and you were raised up with Him through your faith in God's power that was shown when he raised Christ from the dead. When you were spiritually dead because of your sins and because you were not free from the power of your sinful self, God made you alive with Christ, and He forgave all our sins. He canceled the debt, which listed all the rules we failed to follow. He took away the record with its rules and nailed it to the cross. God stripped the spiritual rules and power of their authority. With the cross He won the victory and showed the world that they were powerless.}

^{So do not let anyone make rules for you about eating and drinking or about a religious feast, a New Moon Festival, or a Sabbath day. These things were like a shadow of what was to come. But what is true and real has come and is found in Christ. Do not let anyone disquailify you by making you humiliate yourself and worship angels. Such people enter into visions, which fill them with foolish pride because of their human way of thinking. They do not hold tightly to Christ, the head. It is from him that all the parts of the body are cared for and held together. So it grows in the way God wants it to grow.} 

^{Since you died with Christ and were made free from the ruling spirits of the world, why do you act as if you still belong to this world by following rules like these: 'Don't eat this,' 'Don't taste that,' 'Don't even touch that thing'? These rules refer to earthly things that are gone as soon as they are used. They are only man-made commands and teachings. They seem to be wise, but they are only part of a man-made religion. They make people pretend not to be proud and make them punish their bodies, but they do not really control the evil desires of the sinful self.}  

^{Your old sinful self has died, and your new life is kept with Christ in God. Christ is our life, and when he comes again, you will share in his glory.} 

¹² Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.¹³ Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.¹⁴ And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

¹⁵ Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. ¹⁶ Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. ¹⁷ And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

 

Galatians 6

 Not even those who are circumcised keep the law, yet they want you to be circumcised that they may boast about your circumcision in the flesh. ¹⁴ May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world. ¹⁵ Neither circumcision nor uncircumcision means anything; what counts is the new creation. ¹⁶ Peace and mercy to all who follow this rule—to the Israel of God.

¹⁷ From now on, let no one cause me trouble, for I bear on my body the marks of Jesus.
¹⁸ The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit, brothers and sisters. Amen.

dreamer...

I am such a dreamer. ... Every day. Always have been and always will be.

I have so darn many things or unfinished projects that I hope in my heart I get to do for God one day. Some of them are more special than others...

I am excited to see which of them come true.

Right now, I am really excited about a few. 

Pray that God will lead me in the direction He wants me and to do the things He made me to do for Him.

Thanks. ... And please let me know what I can pray for you.

Grandma; inspiration to us all

My mom said to me today, "I think one of the reasons God might have grandma going through all these different struggles each day is because He wants to continue touching people with her faith through all of this." 

...

All of my grandparents are amazing.

       My Grandma Hartwick was a very healthy and active woman until she had an operation for a brain tumor in 1990. One of the things that could, but was very unlikely to, go wrong went wrong with her surgery, and she was paralyzed on the left side of her body including her left eye and face. Ever since then her health hasn't been the same. Due to this, getting Hepatitis C through a blood transfusion in the 1980s, having celiac disease, and being lactose intolerant, she has struggled through years of health problems and periods of being frail and sick.

Most recently, at the age of 77 they found she had colon cancer.

       Through all of this my grandma has been and still is spunky, positive, smiling, filled with faith and love. Throughout my whole childhood and still this year, she's challenged us all to Scrabble game after Scrabble game... and she wins!! :D

My favorite memories with her will always be singing the songs about Jesus that she always wants me to sing to her, listening to her tell me about her times of being a schoolteacher in a one room school house and about other old times, playing Scrabble, playing "the cat game" when I was a kid (escaping the alligators), drawing with her as a kid, enjoying her caramel roles and apple pie as well as enjoying making things for her like jello beans and banana creme pie pudding, watching mass with her, sending the stuffed bear WhooWhoo back and forth between me and her as a child, and watching her and my grandpa interact every day.

As my aunt Sharon said in her facebook status about a week ago during my grandma's most recent battle with cancer,

"What an inspiration she is. As weak as she is, and as much pain as she is in, she still finds the strength to praise God each and every day."

        This year has been the most special year yet with my grandma. I was so blessed to spend many days by her side over Christmas break, Spring break, Easter break, and these past two weekends. We've had so much fun!! Reminiscing, playing Scrabble, and most of all looking at the beautiful picture of Jesus in her room while singing songs about Jesus and Heaven.

These most recent times in the hospital and nursing home have been beautiful.

It is painful to see her in so much pain.

But it's so good to be with her. ... I've seen it bring tears to my grandpa's, my aunts, and my own eyes hearing her each day as she lays there saying,

"Oh Lord. Oh Lord. .... I love You. I love You. I love You. I love You Lord. ... Yes. Yes. Yes. Oh yes. I love You Lord. ... Oh Lord. Oh Lord. Oh Lord. Yes. Yes Lord. Yes. Yes Lord. ... I love You Lord. Praise You Lord."

When she first woke up from the surgery for her colon cancer she said, "Jesus Christ is my Savior."

... It has been amazing, and I and others have been eternally blessed to see my grandma through all her years praise God in each and every storm.

Grandma has Whoo Whoo with her right now. <3

She always has been and always will be beautiful to me. My cute Grandma Hartwick. <3

I'm so thankful for all the fun times we've had here and for all the fun times we will have together in Heaven with Jesus someday. :)

Thank you all for all your prayers for her and my family. She's still fighting!!

These lyrics basically sum up a lot of my thoughts throughout the day. A lot of what God's done in me, especially in past few years. With every new day these words have more and more meaning to me, and these truths are felt and believed deeper and deeper in my heart.

"At the cross I find the beauty of Your matchless grace.
At the cross I see a King who died to take my place.
It's the moment that You made me clean and pardoned my soul.

Amazing grace that I would be allowed unto Your throne.
Not by my own will but solely by Your will alone
I'm unworthy of this love You have shown to me.
I see my desperate need.

The beauty of the cross is that there's One who has redeemed my soul.
The beauty of the cross is that I'm finally free and letting go.
The beauty of the cross is that Your grace has found me just as I am.

Not by my own works that I may boast or I may come.
But simply through your Son, the sinless and Exalted One.
Only through the cross that I'm made clean to draw near to You.

Saved so that you would receive all glory due Your name.
Everlasting God, from age to age You never change.
A true love story remains for all eternity.
That all the world would see:

The beauty of the cross is that there's One who has redeemed my soul.
The beauty of the cross is that I'm finally free and letting go.
The beauty of the cross is that Your grace has found me just as I am.

My sinful soul could only be
Redeemed by the blood of a sinless King.
So You came to the world that You had made,
Conquered sin on the cross, and You rose from the grave.

   

The beauty of the cross is that there's One who has redeemed my soul.
The beauty of the cross is that I'm finally free and letting go.
The beauty of the cross is that Your grace has found me just as I am.

The beauty of the cross is that there's One who has redeemed my soul.
The beauty of the cross is that I'm finally free and letting go!
The beauty of the cross is that Your grace has found me just as I am.

Ya, just as I am.


That's the beauty of the cross."

-"The Beauty of the Cross" -Johnny Diaz

My mom.

My mom.

      My mom is who I've grown to be most thankful for, appreciate most, and look up to most, especially during this last year.

 
       Giving all of her time, all her all, to her family. To taking care of us, every day of her life.

I think about all the time and energy she puts into making our birthdays special, into preparing meals, into looking into our needs, taking care of us when are sick and when we are healthy, into taking interest in our lives, in our days, and into just showing us gentleness, patience, warmth, the true love of a mom.

... And it goes so so much further than that...

My mom is probably one of the most well-respected, most admired, and most loved by students professors on campus. She is a doctorate who went through school to get her PHD while we were kids! Yet... none of this ever shows in the way she gives her all to us at home. She still comes home and cooks us amazing meals, takes time to care about our lives, to talk with us, take care of us completely and totally. Abundantly.

She's told me a few of the special prayers she says from her heart to God, and they've really touched my heart. One was something like, "Lord, please help me, somehow, through everything I do and say to my students, to show them God's love through it."

My mom is a woman filled with God's peace and patience.

She always puts others before herself.

And she just loves.

There is nothing I could possibly possibly do to thank my mom for all she has done, is doing, and will do. Nothing will ever compare. 

... It just blows me away.

I really want to be more like my mom.

Shepherd

Every day, week, season, God is doing different things in my heart. Opening my eyes to different lessons that I needed to hear and learn.

God has been hitting me hard lately some beautiful verses/message. Every time I read the Word I pray to God asking Him to give me whatever I need to hear. Then I keep praying and open it to whatever it opens to. I truly believe God gives me exactly what I need to hear time and time again. In the past two weeks I've opened to different passages on the topic of being a Shepherd four or five times. Plus, it's exactly what the Priest talked about and the Bible verses he used on Sunday!

So here are some of the verses on one of the many things I've been meditating on in the last few weeks...

John 10:

⁷ Therefore Jesus said again, “Very truly I tell you, I am the gate for the sheep. ⁸ All who have come before me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep have not listened to them. ⁹ I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out, and find pasture. ¹⁰ The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life,and have it to the full.

¹¹ “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. ¹² The hired hand is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. ¹³ The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.

¹⁴ “I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— ¹⁵ just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep.¹⁶ I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd. ¹⁷ The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life—only to take it up again. ¹⁸ No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father.”

¹⁹ The Jews who heard these words were again divided. ²⁰ Many of them said, “He is demon-possessed and raving mad. Why listen to him?”
²¹ But others said, “These are not the sayings of a man possessed by a demon.Can a demon open the eyes of the blind?”

1 Peter 5 

To the Elders and the Flock

5 To the elders among you, I appeal as a fellow elder and a witness of Christ’s sufferings who also will share in the glory to be revealed ² Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, watching over them—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not pursuing dishonest gain, but eager to serve; ³ not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. ⁴ And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away.

⁵ In the same way, you who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,

“God opposes the proud
    but shows favor to the humble.”

⁶ Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. ⁷ Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

⁸ Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹ Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

¹⁰ And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. ¹¹ To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

I feel so blessed by my job. 

So blessed with the opportunities I have right now to be a shepherd. To help care for the kids at Hope, family members, and friends. 

And I am so blessed by the many others who have been and are shepherds to me. My parents. My grandparents. Sisters. Friends. Other family members. ... All the people out there who are shepherds to me. I am so thankful for them. I need them.

But most of all, I am thankful to my Good Shepherd. For taking His life even though I deserve to be the lamb slain.

I don't deserve anything good at all, yet He teaches me, guides me, cares for me, and He calls me by name.

...

"Shepherd me Oh God, beyond my wants, beyond my fears, from death into Life..."

what we need.

I feel like I have been bombarded by the message of people's need for the Word everywhere I go lately.

As my friend Emma said,

"People don't need my words, they need His Word."

As they said at the concert last night, "What this world needs is not opinions, not more self-help programs, not medication, drugs, or anything else, what this world needs is Jesus. What this world needs is the Truths found in the Word of God."  

As the Priest said it on Saturday night while I was at church with my family... 

 

"How are we supposed to know Jesus, love Him, or follow Him without reading the Bible? Jesus is the Word. In order to know Him, love Him, and follow Him we need to spend time with Him by reading our Bibles."

We can get tons of opinions and advice from others, we can get tons of love and help in a million different helpful and beautiful ways, but underneath it all what every one of us, the broken people we all are, need is Jesus. And we can know Him and find Him through the Word of God. 

 When we want to help others we can remember that this too is what they need more than any opinions, advice, love, or help... maybe the best remedy is straight from Jesus: God's Word.

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made. In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it." -John 1:1-5

"And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth." -John 1:14

"Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path" -Psalm 119:105

"The grass withers, the flower fades, but the Word of our God stands forever." -Isaiah 40:8

Don't look at me.

If there's anything that's been on my heart in the past year and that I know I do a terrible job at actually expressing with my life it's this...

Please don't listen to,  follow, or trust me, but trust the Word. Follow and listen to Jesus.

As my friend Emma once told me, "People don't need my words, they need His Word."



And as Stacie Orrico sings, "Don't look at me, look at Him."

 

 (been on my wall all year... something to pray about for me.) 





** They don't  need my words or movement but His, yet He may want to work or speak through me. We are His body. Made to share His love with the world. We just have to trust Him and not ourselves. Step back, and let Him move and not us. He is the only One who can bring changes. ... And He will.  Prayer is powerful. We must not forget that. Our God is powerful.

 Moving. Active. And alive.

what does it mean for me, for you, to love Him?

I think "love the Lord with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength" means something different for each of us since all of us are so different from one another, with such unique hearts and minds.  I think it's interesting to ponder that.

To ponder what loving the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength might mean for you considering who you are, and who God made you.

Also so amazing and interesting to ponder different things it might mean for those around us. All so different, formed by God.

Different parts of the body of Christ.

Of course no one truly know what it means for anyone else, and maybe not even fully for themselves. I think is something each of us can ask God to help reveal.

"What does that mean for me, God, to love You with all my heart, soul, mind and strength?"

I find it amazing that God created each of us so different. He knows the number of hairs on our heads. He, and only He knows each of our unique hearts.

He and only He deserves to be the Judge of all of us.

And that is a very scary but also beautiful thing.

So thankful for the cross.

His everlasting, neverending, boundless love and grace for each and every one of us. Despite our sinfulness, weakness, confusion, and despite all the things we make life about instead of Him, despite how mixed up and far from the Truth we are, He wants us. He wants to cover it all, already DID cover it all with the cross. All of this just makes me want to bow to Him. And I wish I could stay bowed forever. I don't really know anything or what I'm talking about or what's good or right. The only thing I know and believe is the Truth, the Word of God. And so that is what I will keep going back to. And how I will find hope to keep pressing on in life. Even though I am just confused and don't know much, He still covers me in love and grace. The cross is the forever proof of that. Thank the Lord!!!

And now I am going to ask Him to keep leading, to show me, show me in all the confusion, how to love Him more. What it all means for me.

I feel like even as I say this, God is telling me, ha maybe the Holy Spirit or something? I don't know I am just filled with this huge sense, like "Abby, don't be silly. You already know this, the most important thing for you is to just rest, rest in Me, in the cross, in My grace. And trust Me." I feel like what I've been personally learning lately is to give my all to Him by loving Him with all I do, but even more importantly, WAY more importantly than all of that, just to constantly rest in Him and know, it's not about me or what I do but about Him. And what He did. I'm going to constantly mess up, be confused, not understand, let others down, do things I'm tempted to regret, etc. But through it all I have to remember, I'm forgiven. And just thank Him for that. And trust Him to help me, lead me, and cover everything in grace.  It's hard, but He's showing me. Helping me to live for Him with all I do and also to do what's hardest: just rest in Him, know I am forgiven. And trust Him. It's hard, but beautiful, and amazing. How can I not thank Him for this crazy love?

I feel this is the only way to show others His love and grace too. To rest in His grace myself first.

That's just a little of what is constantly on my heart as I question what it means to love Him. What to do... what to do with my time... 

And here are some related Truths that I think about as I question what it means for us to love Him...

"Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give..."

-2 Corinthians 9:7

But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." -1 Samuel 16:7

 I'm really curious to hear from you. I would love to hear any answers to any of these questions: What do you think it means to love Him? Do you think it's different or the same for every person? What Truths do you turn to about this? What has God taught you about this? What ways do you feel called to love and serve Him? What are your other thoughts about all this?

...

Last night I read something amazing. Well, I read many amazing things because I just kept reading the Word and didn't want to go to bed. But I found this in John Chap 4, the story of "The Woman At The Well." It's so crazy how every time I read the Word, it's new, no matter how much read before, I forget, or my eyes are opened to new things. This will happen forever. 

JOHN 4 THE WOMAN AT THE WELL

1 Jesus realized that the Pharisees were keeping count of the baptisms that he and John performed 2 (although his disciples, not Jesus, did the actual baptizing). They had posted the score that Jesus was ahead, turning him and John into rivals in the eyes of the people. 3 So Jesus left the Judean countryside and went back to Galilee.

4 To get there, he had to pass through Samaria. 5 He came into Sychar, a Samaritan village that bordered the field Jacob had given his son Joseph. 6 Jacob's well was still there. Jesus, worn out by the trip, sat down at the well. It was noon.

7 A woman, a Samaritan, came to draw water. Jesus said, "Would you give me a drink of water?" 8 (His disciples had gone to the village to buy food for lunch.)

9 The Samaritan woman, taken aback, asked, "How come you, a Jew, are asking me, a Samaritan woman, for a drink?" (Jews in those days wouldn't be caught dead talking to Samaritans.)

10 Jesus answered, "If you knew the generosity of God and who I am, you would be asking me for a drink, and I would give you fresh, living water."

11 The woman said, "Sir, you don't even have a bucket to draw with, and this well is deep. So how are you going to get this 'living water'? 12 Are you a better man than our ancestor Jacob, who dug this well and drank from it, he and his sons and livestock, and passed it down to us?"

13 Jesus said, "Everyone who drinks this water will get thirsty again and again. 14 Anyone who drinks the water I give will never thirst - not ever. The water I give will be an artesian spring within, gushing fountains of endless life."

15 The woman said, "Sir, give me this water so I won't ever get thirsty, won't ever have to come back to this well again!"

16 He said, "Go call your husband and then come back." 17 "I have no husband," she said.

18 You've had five husbands, and the man you're living with now isn't even your husband. You spoke the truth there, sure enough."

19 "Oh, so you're a prophet! 20 Well, tell me this: Our ancestors worshiped God at this mountain, but you Jews insist that Jerusalem is the only place for worship, right?"

21 "Believe me, woman, the time is coming when you Samaritans will worship the Father neither here at this mountain nor there in Jerusalem. 22 You worship guessing in the dark; we Jews worship in the clear light of day. God's way of salvation is made available through the Jews. 23 But the time is coming - it has, in fact, come - when what you're called will not matter and where you go to worship will not matter.

It's who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before Him in their worship. 24 God is sheer being itself - Spirit. Those who worship Him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration."

25 The woman said, "I don't know about that. I do know that the Messiah is coming. When he arrives, we'll get the whole story."

26 "I am he," said Jesus. "You don't have to wait any longer or look any further." 27 Just then his disciples came back. They were shocked. They couldn't believe he was talking with that kind of a woman. No one said what they were all thinking, but their faces showed it.

28 The woman took the hint and left. In her confusion she left her water pot. Back in the village she told the people, 29 "Come see a man who knew all about the things I did, who knows me inside and out. Do you think this could be the Messiah?" 30 And they went out to see for themselves.

This passage just wows me, a lot. And every day I am just filled with thankfulness that I am blessed in this life to get to do what I love most: just love my family and friends and give my all to loving them and also to loving people at my job and to doing my school work so that I can help and love people in the future. It is so fun to just do everything I do for the Lord. And... reading the Word reminds me that He sees that. He knows when I'm doing stuff for Him and when I'm doing stuff for me. It's just always amazing to me that He loves me the way I am. That He is always leading. When I go astray or start heading in a direction that He doesn't want, when I make mistakes or no matter what happens, He always leads me back to His better plans. It is crazy and amazing. So, what all of this calls me to do is just let go.

Do all I do for Him. Love Him with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength. And love others as myself. And do it in the unique way He made me to. To be me, because only then will I be the part He wants me to be in the Body of Christ. I'm thankful He made me the way I am and feel so blessed to do all the things I love most every day: just love Him and others and give my all. That's always been super important to me every day of my life: to give my all. Thankful He carries and gives me strength. I couldn't even give a single thing or breathe without Him. He is my only strength, my only Hope, my Savior, and even though I don't deserve any of it, He carries me. He leads me on.

Thank the Lord for that.<3